I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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