There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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