Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
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Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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