my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
