Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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