Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
