I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
