I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
