He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
