A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
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He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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