dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize