The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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