a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
