I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
