sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
