i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
