and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
