Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
