I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
