My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
