took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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