im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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