Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I supernannyed him into submission