I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.