My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
