I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Welp...herpes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
