I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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