i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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