Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
