guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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