girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Drunk is not a location!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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