My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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