we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
