Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
