So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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