Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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