I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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