i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
