Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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