if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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