Your face is a jimmy john
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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