First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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