I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
