my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
