im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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