My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
