Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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