Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
