im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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