the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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