i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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