this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
