Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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