I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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